Title: THE BOOK OF TEARS : Part One
PART ONE : THE LOST ~Tears of Despair~ Nova’s finger traced a small circle against the smooth skin of his hand. Very gently, softly… She stared at that patch of flesh as her finger moved, loving the spot with her eyes. Her finger never strayed from its slow circular path on that pale flesh. Her husband made no response to her administrations… All times before, he would have smiled his beautiful smile but he remained unmoved by her love. There was no sound here… except the sound of her own breath, of her own heartbeat. She could, on occasion, hear the door down the hall outside the chamber open and close but that was rare. They were alone. One man and one woman… trapped in the cold silence of a mildly lit room. Her finger circled… and circled… never going outside the tiny path. She didn’t want to hurt him anymore. His beautiful skin… Her eyes moved only a tiny fraction to the spot above the circle she made. The remains there were blackened and tight against the bone. Below the circle of near-perfect flesh was a red mass of crusted fluid that had wept from his wounds. It was his real hand… the one made of flesh and bone. Nova’s eyes rove higher… where she hadn’t wanted them to go. Someone had placed an opaque tarp over his form… only leaving his hand peeking out for his loved ones to hold. Farther up from the spot was more blackened flesh and bone streaked white, red and black. Her finger faltered in its path, her eyes full of unshed tears. Could this truly be him? She wanted to rip that tarp off and show the galaxy that her mate was not dead. But she could not… couldn’t move, couldn’t risk seeing what an explosion and exposure of space could do to a man. To her man… Luke… Sweet, strong, innocent, loving Luke… Her finger made quicker swirls, still light as a feather, not daring to injury that little, perfect spot. Nova stilled herself… she had not even realized her body had been rocking… Not until her sister had spoken. Leia stood behind her somewhere… behind her, far behind… She didn’t want this to end. Could not bear for the next second to arrive… Luke was dead. Nova’s head shook. No… no, no, no… Tears fell like drops of rain as she stood quickly, breaking herself away. She turned to see both Leia and Han there. They had known about the accident before her… She had been shopping. Shopping? She and Obi-Jaden were shopping in the main city while Luke took a guided tour of the Shallan space station. The transport they had provided exploded on the way back down… They didn’t even know why. Nova had felt a sudden jolt of shock from her husband then nothing more. That was it. That was all. It wasn’t long after that she was approached by security men that escorted her back to the capitol where Leia and Han were. Where Luke was… Nova stared at Leia. The woman’s eyes were red, puffy… her face a pale reflection of grief. Han stood beside her with his hand on her shoulder. His face was stone but his anger and sadness threatened to make Nova die all over again. “You’ve been down here for a long time, Nova”, Leia said softly. “Jaden is asking for you.” Jaden… How was she suppose to tell her little boy that his daddy was gone…? Nova swayed and Han grabbed her. “C’mon, girl…” She let him lead her out, holding on to a belly that held Luke’s second child. She was five and half months along and her child was quiet inside her. Saddened by her mother’s spirit. Nova wanted to turn around to see her husband again… In her mind she could see him… bright as day… sitting on the table, smiling… But she knew what was actually there… what she would see if she turned around… A cold, heavy tarp covering a body that no longer belonged to her beloved… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The walk back to their temporary apartments was a long travel unseen and unheard by her senses. Han was there with his arm around her as was his wife, whose warm hand traveled up and down her back with calm certainty. The door opened… The last time she was in this room, Luke was here with her. He’d kissed her… The sound of a small child whining reached her ears as she entered and she left the couple to follow that sound. She found Jaden fretful and walking around his room dragging a Wookiee doll, thumb stuck in his mouth. He staggered when he saw his mother and toddled over to her, arms outstretched. Nineteen months old and full of energy, the boy was a bright spot in their world. In Luke’s world. Nova sat down heavily in the middle of the room, settling the boy in her lap. The mental image of her husband appeared in her mind as her son saw him… Tall, big, smiling, arms stretched downward to pick up the child…Love was there and desire… The boy was asking where his father was. He had learned only a few words but didn’t quite know how to use any of them. Except ‘mommy’ and ‘daddy’… those he knew. Nova stroked his soft curls and rocked him, kissing his warm skin. This can’t be real… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The sun rose against her. Blood shot eyes stared out the window to the brightening sky. She’d fallen asleep on the couch… refusing to enter the bedroom. The funeral was today. It was Leia’s idea to have it so soon. So soon? It had been four days… Four days… they had to leave Shallan and travel to Yavin Four… making plans, bringing people in, signing documents, making statements to the press. She hadn’t watched the Holonet in days and, yet, everywhere she looked people were speaking of the tragedy. They had done the autopsy of his body… it was exactly what one would expect from a burned, flash frozen carcass. There was no use in having the remains dressed up… it was just a shell. Rising and weaving, she refreshed herself in the bathroom then came out to stand at the bedroom door. She opened the door to look inside. She had to dress… they expected her to be there. Walking inside, her skin crawled. His scent was here… His energy was here. She could almost pretend he was away on a mission. But her finger still felt that cold flesh it had been so mesmerized by… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nova was getting ready when she heard a knock at the door to her bedroom. She opened it up to find Han there. He was dressed solemnly and she almost wished he had come in his usual gear. It was a big day when Han Solo dressed up. She wished Luke was here. Crying again, she turned away. She picked up her robe to cover the dark grey of her gown. She then bent down to secure her saber and hang it onto her belt. “You think you’ll be needing that?” She sniffled, forcing the tears away, packing them down. “Never know.” Nova walked out the door and into the front room where Jaden was waiting. He was so fussy… he just didn’t understand. Picking him up and setting him on her hip, she walked out. “Come on, Han. Let’s get this over with.” The male walked beside her once again, his force-presence aching in the distance. “It’s in the Memorial Clearing… right?” Suddenly confused, Nova had to wish that she’d been more together… helped Leia plan more. But they worried for her… “Yea, kid.” Her teeth gritted. He called Luke kid, too… even after all this time. “Are they going to bury him right away?” she asked, her voice husky all of a sudden. “What?” “Bury him… Are we going to have a service first or wait ‘til after?” “Nova…” She stopped and he turned to look at her, his hands going to her shoulders. “What?” “They aren’t going to bury him. It’s a cremation ceremony. You knew that.” Her head shook slowly. “They can’t burn him…” “Honey, it’s their way.” “Not my way!” she growled, smacking his hand off her shoulder. “They can’t burn him!” “Why not?” The blonde stared, her ferocity gone in an instant. “Because…” Han waited. “Because…?” “What… if we need to check… again… later…” His head tilted, handsome features drawing. “Check for what?” Nova squirmed, tears coming anew. “I…” “It’s done. Okay. Everything is done. They checked everything. You know that. It’s done. We can go through with this, honey. Luke needs to be laid to rest.” She nodded dumbly and restarted the long walk to the Memorial Clearing of Yavin Four. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Standing before the unlit pyre of Luke Skywalker with a torch in her hand, Nova barely heard what was being said. Tionne sang of Luke. The very idea that her voice was singing his name, singing of his compassion and his death would kill her if she concentrated too hard on it. Feeling a nudge at her back, she moved forward. Legs that were not her own walked her up to where he lay, bound in white and gray. Her arms, heavy with emotion, touched the torch to the logs beneath his form. The logs were specially delivered from some place that specialized in these things. They burned hot, to destroy as much of a person’s shell as they could… so only ash would remain. They burned clean, de-scented to keep the smell of searing flesh to a minimal. Her husband’s flesh… Nova stepped back to watch the flames double over and over until the cloth above caught aflame. She wanted to scream but no sound came from her. People began leaving the clearing. Solemn, weeping, angry… or just glad to be away. But Nova stayed… stayed until the pyre fell, scattering ash and sparks into the sky to join the stars above.
~Tears of Rage~ Listening to the soft chanting of his mother, Obi-Jaden lulled close into sleep, dried tears making soft tracks from his eyes. His father still had not returned. His mother was in pain. His aunt was sick with sorrow and worry. His uncle hurt… His cousins were as confused as he but they, being older, knew things he did not. Things that made them angry and sad. All he knew… is that he had not heard his father’s voice in so long… He hungered for it… like he thirst for drink and craved food to fill a growling stomach. He hurt, too… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Putting the boy to bed, Nova made her way to the center room to sit on the couch. She turned on the holovid and flipped through frequencies. They had finally stopped talking about her husband’s death. It had taken them a few weeks… but, finally, other news had taken its place. Her tears had not stopped… but they had transformed. They were no longer attempting to kill her as they came. She cried softly now… cried for his missing presence in her life and for the father his son and daughter would not have. She laid her hand over her daughter and patted. “Sorry mama didn’t feed us on time. I forget sometimes. It’s busy work running this place… even with Tionne and Kam helping mommy out. You’ll figure it out. Maybe you’ll go to school here some day.” Nova laid her head back and let her eyes fall shut. She slept too much these days. But the temptations of the dream world to block out reality was too sweet to ignore. She could forget for a few minutes or hours. But waking up seemed to be the worst part. There was always that moment of peace before memories began to flood in on her. Dreams came quickly this time, mixed with the sounds from the holovid and weaving her in and out of reality and fantasy… The dreams were more vivid here… Such odd dreams… A stark room… a dark hall… a strange world… “YOU KNOW I’M NOT DEAD!” Nova screamed, sitting up and staring around. The voice was right in her ear. Luke’s voice. “Oh, god…” she wept, laying her face in her hands, crying and shaking. In the next room, her son cried. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nova sat in Luke’s old chair, hands clasped together, staring at a first year student. “I can’t express how important meditation is. I understand that it isn’t the most exiting part of your training but it is the foundation of it all.” The female Devaronian nodded, her horns glistening in the dull lighting of her office. The red-skinned being was intent as he teacher spoke, now more relax than when she first came in. Nova smiled for the other woman. “Other than that, you are doing a phenomenal job here. You do everyone proud.” The woman smiled, baring teeth that could probably strip a human to bone in a few minutes, given the reason. “You can go.” “Thank you, Master Skywalker.” The woman got up gracefully and walked out, leaving Nova to sag into her seat. Yes… meditation was important. And she had been guilty of not doing it for quite some time after the accident. And she’d only done it twice since she started back… both times had the same ending. Her husband’s voice calling out to her… weaker than the dream… but clear… A chime sounded at the door. “Come in.” Kam came in, giving a tight grin. “You still here?” “Consider me gone. And don’t ask me when I’m coming back because I still don’t know. But contact Coruscant if you need me.” He watched her stand and grab up a bag in the corner. “Good luck, Kam.” They grabbed one another’s forearms and she set out without another word. Taking only enough to dress her for three days at a time, and her son, Nova left Yavin Four and traveled to Coruscant. That’s were they had taken half of Luke’s remains. What dust did not rest at his memorial at Yavin, laid in the Hall of Heroes on Coruscant in a stark little box built into a wall of duracrete with holobiography set beneath his name. It was also where an answer to her nightmares may lie… ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Han was serving the family some spicy Corellian food he had fixed himself, laughing at one of his son’s jokes. The eight-and-a-half-year-old twins loved their father’s cooking and little Anakin just adored it. Leia was another story and was already concentrating on the medicine in the cabinet that would calm her stomach once the meal was finished. The door called out that someone was there and Han stood up straight. “I’ll get it.” Noticing the odd look on his wife’s face, he stopped. “What?” Instead of answering him, she rose up and answered the door herself. “Nova!” “Hi, Leia.” The women embraced and Nova was forced to set her son down, who immediately walked in and made himself at home around his uncle’s leg. “What are you doing here?” Leia asked, ushering her in and taking her bag. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming?” “It was short notice. By the time you got a message I would have already landed.” Han’s arm was out and Nova hugged him, inhaling his spicy scent. “How are you, old man?” Han smirked. “Great. You gonna eat with us?” “Ofcourse”, she answered, settling Jaden in first. “Is Chewie here?” “He should be.” As if on cue, Chewie arrived, roaring and hugging the human woman, careful not to squeeze to tight. He always treated her like delicate glass when she was pregnant. Just like Luke did… The dinner was quick and they spoke of everything but her husband. “Can I ask you guys a favor?” Leia took a sip of her after meal drink and tilted her head, lovely eyes pinning her sister-in-law. “Anything.” “Babysit for me. Just for an hour or two. I have a little something I need to take care of.” “Sure.” “Anything we can help with?” Han asked. Nova shook her head. “Thanks… but no.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was night but no star could be seen. Way too many lights on Coruscant for that. The world was always awake. So now was as good a time to desecrate a grave as any. Nova had no fear she would get caught. The Force was her ally… through thick and thin, and, unfortunately, in some cases, in good and bad. But this was not an evil thing. Her husband belonged to her in life as she belonged to him. She had visited only once, after the ashes and bones were interred. His was placed on the fifth row from the ground, level to her chest. The spot beside him was already filled by another recently deceased. Her beloved master was sandwiched between an admiral and a general. Nova snorted. Luke hated pomp. She found right were his ‘grave’ was and put her palm against it. It was warmed mechanically… they thought it was more comforting to grieving loved ones that they could touch a warm spot than cold stone. In a meditation only a few days ago, she saw Luke… as usual…. But, more than that, she saw an image of him sliding on a glove and her helping him latch the wrist buckle and kissing the palm of his mechanical hand. That was it… just a quick image or two… but it was the feeling that came with it. A feeling of wrongness… a frightening sense the more she thought of it. The mini tombs that carried people’s ashes were locked up tight and were not made to be open… but the Force could pry that metal and ferracrete apart easily enough. And if she found nothing and they found out what she had done, she would simply cry insanity. She felt crazy enough for it to work. The little door popped off and she caught it before it could hit the ground. She looked around, hoping they didn’t have cameras here. Nova stuck a penlight in her mouth and aimed the little beam of light inside. Her stomach flip-flopped even though she knew what to expect. A few patches of ashes and bits of bone littered the flat spot and in the center… …was a burned, melted human-like hand, fingers curled innocently up against the palm. Swallowing hard, Nova reached inside and pulled out the hand reverently and cradled it in her palm using the penlight to look it over. It was melted in most places, parts fused together and all the flesh covering it was long gone. A feeling of gentle elation began blossoming inside her. There entire structure of the ‘bones’ of the hand was all wrong. This was an old model… the same model as Luke’s hand… A long time ago… His hand had been replaced by a more efficient model almost seven years ago and it looked nothing like its predecessor. Nothing like the one she held right now. This was NOT Luke’s hand! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I can’t believe you did this!” Leia cried, whirling on the ball of her foot. Her gown flowed round her legs as she moved, the white material gathered up all around her. Her hair was down, an unusual sight for others who did not know her. And her eyes… blazed! Nova couldn’t ever recall her sister being more outraged. The children were asleep in the nearby room of Han and Leia’s apartment and she prayed that none of them awoke and came in on them. Things were tough enough on the little ones with out adding more angst. Han sat on the couch, staring at the balled-up shirt on the coffee table. Nova sat opposite, staring at the same spot. It was her over shirt she had wrapped the hand in… to keep it safe from prying eyes… to keep it loved just incase she was making a horrible mistake. “I’m trying to tell you…” she explained calmly. “That’s not-“ “I heard you the first time”, the other woman said coolly. “You broke into a crypt, Nova. A sacred-“ The blonde jumped up. “It’s only sacred if there are real remains inside.” “They were Luke’s ashes! DNA tests were done!” “And I say they are wrong!” she practically shouted. “Someone wants us to believe he is dead.” Leia sat down heavily, only glancing at the balled-up shirt once. The little woman could be as unmovable as any mountain. Nova glanced over at her brother-in-law. “Han…” The male covered his tired face with his hand and sighed through his fingers. “What do you want me to say, kid?” “I want you to believe me.” Han’s teeth worried his lip. “Luke’s death hurt you, Nova-“ “Did you even look at it?” Sighing again, he leaned forward and took the shirt into his hands, unwinding the material until he saw blackened metal. He looked over the thing and shook his head. “The servos are pretty melted. I’m not even sure what to look for.” Nova stomped forward and yanked more cloth to the side. “See that?” “Those are knuckle braces. They haven’t put knuckle braces in bionic hands since before the rebellion. They had a nasty way of hanging up. Pre-rebellion, Han. That’s the kind of implant he had at first. Substandard parts were all the rebels could get.” “Nova-” “Don’t you get it?! Luke never told anyone but those closest to him that the reborn emperor gave him a new hand. It galled him that he had it but he wasn’t about to go back to the old one.” The woman paused. “If someone wanted us to think he was dead, they would put the type of bionic they thought he had.” “And how do you explain the DNA evidence.” “Who did the analyzing?” “Trusted staff”, Leia said with a warning tone in her voice. “Well, maybe someone is really good at fooling people.” The two women stared one another down, neither truly angry… only frustrated with the stubbornness of the other. “You can believe what you want, Nova. But if you are wrong, you will hurt even more than you did when you first found out Luke had died.” “Is that why you won’t believe me? Because you’re afraid?” “Ofcourse I’m afraid!” she cried, soulful eyes filling with tears. “Luke was my brother. My friend. We have a bond that not even you can understand.” Nova turned away, features set in stone. When she finally spoke, both man and woman had to listen carefully to hear her. “If I’m right, then he’s out there. If he is out there then it is not of his own free will. He would come back if he could. Which means he can’t. He’s someone’s prisoner.”
~Tears of Guilt~ “Just where the hell do you think you’re going?” The woman, standing by her bed, was stuffing a duffel bag with angry movements as the elder male spoke. “Where do you think?” “You have a little boy who just has learned to walk good and you’re about ready to have another one.” “I’m six months, Han. That’s barely ‘ready to have’. You guys don’t wanna believe but I know what I feel. Through the Force, Leia and I felt his shock, then nothing more. It almost seemed like death… but I just know in my gut that he is not gone.” Han watched her rapid hand movements as she spoke and noticed that she would not turn around to look at him. He sighed and asked again, more calmly. “Where are you going?” Nova sighed as well. “I’m leaving to find Talon Karrde.” “Karrde?” “He’s the information man.” Han crossed his arms. “Now, don’t you think if he knew something about Luke he would have told us by now?” She shrugged. “Maybe he knows something but hasn’t put two and two together yet.” Nova shut the large bag and knocked it over to lay on the bed then turned to look at her brother-in-law. “I lay awake thinking last night after that conversation we had. And, for some odd reason, I began thinking of all the Jedi that have passed away.” Nova saw Han looked to the ground. “No… I mean in just the passed six months along. You know how many have died or come up missing? Eight.” “Missing?” Nova nodded. “Three. Sel’Too Tak’Takeer, Thelmos FireLight and Sheesho.” “Maybe-“ “Maybe they’re dead. Maybe they’re AWOL. Maybe they are a million things but you have to admit it’s pretty damn odd to watch well-trained Jedi Knights and Masters disappear into thin air. No pun intended- “And there you go!” she cried as she continued, her eyes wide. “Why didn’t Luke disappear, huh? He was just as great a master as Yoda or my father. Why did his burnt remains stay?” “You’re asking the wrong person.” “I know why. It’s because he’s still alive.” Han walked over and sat down on the bed, grimacing at the pink bedspread. “Don’t you think I wanna believe you, kid? Luke was my brother. I loved him…” “I know you did, Han. That’s why I’m not asking you to go with me.” “You should.” “I’m not. But I will ask you to look after Jaden while I’m gone.” Nova sat beside Han and took his hand. “He’s just a baby but he knows that, for some reason, daddy hasn’t come home and everyone is sad. I don’t want to leave him with anyone else but you and Leia.” The male nodded solemnly and responded. “Anakin and the twins will be glad to have him.” Nova leaned over and kissed his cheek. “Thanks, Han.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jaden sat with his mother where she was curled up in a chair, the two looking out the window to the busy world of Coruscant. Sky cars whizzed by, lights flashing and colors blurred by speed. Opposite them were more buildings… Building, buildings everywhere. It was such a stark difference from Yavin Four but much the same… Life moved fast no matter where you were, even if you didn’t notice it. “You know I love you”, she purred, petting his blonde head. “I know you miss papa. I feel how confused you are. But mommy’s going to try to bring him back, son. If she can…” She felt such guilt for leaving him. He seemed so sad sometimes. In his mind, he knew that his father had not come home and everyone was sad. Even when they smiled and talked, he could feel that sadness. Especially from his mother. Jaden scrunched up against her. Ofcourse he didn’t know what she was saying but he understood that she was uncomfortable. He understood what ‘good-bye’ was and that this was no ordinary conversation. His mother spoke to him often, relaying her emotion and teaching him to speak basic. He wished his father would come back soon and make it the way it was before. To make everything happy again. A veil of tears blurred Nova’s vision at the emotions that curled around her son. The budding ability to reason and think things out was making his emotions deeper… the kind of emotional base that would be with him always. “You’ll dream of me every night”, she whispered. “And I’ll call you every day. I promise. I promise you will hear mommy’s voice and see mommy’s face and feel mommy’s presence everyday. I promise…” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Han, Leia, Jaina, Jacen, Anakin and Obi-Jaden stood in a field of concrete, staring at Nova’s back as she walked away from them. Jaden was held by Han, who rocked him to and fro, a simple habit he had developed when holding his own children. The boy pointed at his mother’s shrinking form, slapping his hand back down. He whined a little and Leia shushed him, taking him and holding him close. “Where’s Aunt Nova going?” Anakin asked for the tenth time. “On a mission”, Leia answered. “When’s she coming back?” Jaina asked, folding her arms and frowning, looking much like her father. “I don’t know.” Jacen seemed to try to think of some question to add. “Stow it, kids. Nova’ll be back when she’s back. C’mon”, he called softly, herding the little group together, running long fingers through his tallest child’s hair. “For now, we just keep Jaden with us and give him back when she comes home.” “What about Tara?” Jacen asked as they walked back to their transport. “What about her?” “Nova forgot Tara. She’s still on Yavin.” Jaina nodded at her brother’s observation. Tara was great fun, even if she did somehow manage to get in trouble a lot. “I’m sure Nova didn’t forget”, Leia answered. “She’s probably left her to study with one of the other masters at the academy.” “Oh.” The driver of their sky-car opened the door and Leia sat Jaden on the ground so she could get in. Once she was inside, each child climbed in as well, waiting for their father to climb in after them. Han, one foot in the speeder, gave one last look to the sky where a lone X-wing, Luke’s old vehicle, screamed up into the air, disappearing from view.
READ ON TO BOOK TWO: The Driven
Chapter One "Eeeeeeeek... I need to read more. Oh, this is so freaky, but I just need to read more of it and see what happens. More story, Nova. Gyaaaaaah... Just... powerful. Hurtfully powerful. That's all I can think of right now. You have grabbed me by the heart here. POOR LUKE" Chapter Two "You've instilled hope in the reader at this point, which is what makes them pursue the journey with you, Nova. This is so beautifully written, and one can't help but get pulled into the story from all the intense emotion. *loves this story!*"
~ARWEN aka TARA/TARA~
~ERIATHWEN~
~Let me know what you think! Send a comment of your own~~
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